BD Contemplation 2008

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I was writing on my last post when I thought about this one.. things I just picked up from the video inspired me to do this sort-of-contemplation of what I have been doing in the past and what I will be doing in the future.

Change… it echoes in my head. As of today, I officially leave the world of youth and enter the world of supposedly-adult. I am 26 y.o. now, an age that I define as adulthood*… I knew back then that I would need a change as of today, from young-adult to real-adult .. But today, as I am sitting on my warm carpet in my warm room, alone, writing a paper (supposedly) that’s due today, on my birthday, on my 26th birthday, on the day I am supposed to change in a way or another.. I wonder how my life is going to be in the future. Am I going to stay like this forever? Am I going to be one of those people whose life is like what is written on someone else’s novel? Who went to school until graduate, get a job, get married, have children, buy house, car(s), go on retirement, and spend their life contemplating on the past? *well, you can change the order if you wish*..

I’ve decided at my young age, that I don’t want to be in the mainstream… well, at least not in my definition, though some people do think I am in the mainstream. To my own definition, I don’t think so. It’s so boring I thought. To have your life already decided like everyone else’s even before you travel down the path. So in my early childhood, I decided some important things (or so I thought) that would guide me in living my life in the future. That would help me dealing with the world in front of me.

At my 6th birthday party, I was standing among the crowd, feeling confused, about why my father was not there, and why my mother was crying on my birthday when it was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. I was angry at both of them. I refused to talk to them. What I didn’t know, was my father wasn’t there and my mother was crying, because on the evening before, my grandfather passed away. I remember that knowing that, I felt so ashamed and it turned out to be one of the saddest feeling I’ve ever had. That day I decided, the 6 y.o me decided, that no matter how bad or strange the situation looks like, the future me will not make any judgment on any situation, on anyone, on anything, before I know the whole story. If I do make one, then let me be the only one who know it.

At my 8 y.o. age, I was on my way to school. My ‘driver’ picked my up at 4.45 am. He wasn’t my driver. We didn’t have a car back then. He was a pete-pete (local minibus) driver I always took every morning to go to school since we moved to that small city. He felt sorry for me, having to wait for any pete-pete to show up every morning, so one day he decided to pick me up as his first passenger every day. There was a sense of closeness, of acceptance. To stranger I didn’t know much about. So I put him on my family list. It was on my way to school that I knew in my future job, I wanted to work closely with people. Because I like the sense of closeness and acceptance. I want to share it to others. I also knew that if I wanted to do that, I would never do what my parents wanted me to be. But to go against my parents’ will, I would have to prove my self. So then I decided, the 8 y.o. me decided, that I would do my best to pursue the best education I can get to be able to realize what I wanted, and that means, first, to get out of the island once I can stand up on my feet.

At junior high announcement day, still persistent with the decision to go out of the island, I told my parents I wanted to apply for a school in the main island. My graduation grade was enough to buy me a dream ticket out of the island. They resisted. I insisted. They asked why, saying I had my future decided already, and to be honest, it wasn’t bad at all. But I resisted, saying I know I could get into the best engineering school in the country. I had set my mind into it in my 8th grade and I wouldn’t let go until I got it, which I did.

Year after year passed by with a lot of struggle. Mostly struggle to myself. To prove to myself that I can do what I want to do if I put my heart and self into it. And I did get what I wanted. Of course there were failures along the way, but it wasn’t major. I would have never accept me having a major failure. Then.. as I entered the world of adulthood today, I wonder, whether I’ve been sitting in my comfort couch for so long that I’ve started to accept things I didn’t (and that would include my future plans), or that I’ve stopped looking for a change in my life. I blame it to my current living situation, that in this kind of environment, I can’t get things out of my head and actually realize it, that I have to go with the flow and follow what is supposed to be followed. But is it okay to blame it on that? I know, I fully realized, that when you want to do something, it’s on you, it’s in your mind, it’s in your will, it’s in your action. And if you don’t do it in the end, there’s nothing, no one to blame but yourself. It’s not even about blaming, it’s about taking action.

So, today, as I entered the world of adulthood, I should make a decision. To either stay like this, in my comfort zone of living.. (and damn! it’s just so comfortable!).. or to travel the path of curiosity, the path I’ve always taken since I grew up.

May the coming years be better than before.. Happy Beltsdei Q..

*please bear in mind that it’s MY definition and I don’t care what people’s .. it’s the freedom of choice that gave me the privilege to decide the number, and not you, readers.. D

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