Carpe diem

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kalau suatu saat brubah pikiran jadi pake fesbuk timeline, gw pengen hari ini tercatat dengan baik dan benar. moga2 ke-link dengan baik si fbnya dengan wp ^^.

4 days to draft submission, and I’m stuck in the moment. I’m not being perfectionist, but I don’t want to say goodbye to student life, feeling like a failure for not meeting my own standard for a good dissertation. But here I am now, at lab, with 3 chapters waiting, and I have no idea what to write. Maybe I do. Maybe I don’t. Maybe I’ll just write whatever comes to mind. First draft no needs to be perfect. Nor logic. That’s why we have examiners to point that out and bring us back to the right path.

4 days to submission, and I’m feeling blue. This, is going to be the last time I’m writing a large-size manuscript as a student. This, is going to be the last time I’m going to be a student. I’ve soon to come to the end of the pathway as an official ‘learner’. The funny thing about being in PhD course is, everyone thought that you’re so bright and devoted to research, that you’re learning everything about the field, and then, you’ll come out as an expert. But once you get in, you feel like a kindergartener in a classroom full of university students. Expertise? That’s bullsh*t. You gain expertise when you’ve done the thing you do in decades. What you’ll learn is organizing your thoughts, making assumptions and prove it logically in a simple way that others can follow your logic. Which is very practical in a way. And I’m glad I took the chance to learn it.

4 days to submission, and I’m missing my father. I said bad things to him about making me took this path, and now I’m thanking him for making me took this path. I was never his student, but I’m sure he’s a great one. I think he’s the kind of professor who can see his student’s future. Maybe that’s how he looked at mine. He knew all along that I would enjoy this life. Even at the lowest moment like today. 4 days to submission.

What can one do in 4 days? No way you can think straight anymore. Not me. I’m on the thin line between trying as hard as I can and giving up. I’ve got three chapters to go, and another three chapters to translate to English. Forget the formatting, I’ll let Office does its magic in the hand of my beloved bestfriend and husband.

Once again, what can one do in 4 days? But I, in between the rush and panic, want to record and seize the moment.  This is the last moments of my doctoral life, and I don’t want to miss them. Because it will never come back again.

# Harashina Lab 12/24/2011/21:01

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